Are you dancing as fast as you can, doing the ballet of soothing ruffled feathers, doling out tough love when it’s time, and lending a listening ear while you’re mentally tallying your To Do list?
Here are 3 most common reasons why you get trapped on this merry-go-round:
1. “Because I said I would.”
This trap is an insidious one, and it only works to trap conscientious, kind, concerned people (like you). You want to be consistent, reliable, and trustworthy because these are your values. You know what it feels like when someone lets you down. BUT, your values become a trap when you are rigidly following a commitment that you truly never should have made in the first place. Interestingly, people from dysfunctional families of origin are particularly susceptible to this trap, perhaps because they grew up trying to exert some kind of order in the midst of chaos….
Your way out of this trap? Repeat after me: “It is OK to change my mind. It is OK to change my mind. It is more than OK – it’s imperative!”
2. “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.”
This is what I call a Power Ploy. It’s a way to control by pretending to be helpful. It’s a trap, my dear, and it will “wear you out,” as we say around here. And, people will probably just let you keep wearing yourself out, because you don’t really want help – you want control. You’re just going to have to let this go.
Your way out of this trap? Repeat after me: “Done “is better than perfect. And ‘done’ by someone else is better than just about anything….”
3. “I don’t want to hurt their feelings….”
This one stops fully grown men and women in their tracks. I’ve seen it. You’ll go to extraordinary lengths to avoid conflict or friction, rearranging schedules, priorities, travel, and personal desires in order to keep others from feeling hurt. The more you do this, the more internal conflict and “hurt” you’ll experience. And, the more likely it is that your relationships are not authentic; they’re play-acting for the sake of appearances, or for the sake of the matriarch, or for the sake of the big boss’s illusions.
Your way out of this trap? Repeat after me: “I can’t be responsible for others’ feelings. I can’t be responsible for others’ feelings. I can be responsible for my own integrity and joy. When I do that, then joy spreads….”
Questions? Drop me a line at info@TrishRing.com. Get out of the traps you’ve set for yourself.